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1:15 A
GOOOOOOOOD MORNING DAY 2!!!!
(i know its the middle of the night. i go bed soon i swearsies tee heee!)
me thinking about bloodymary and talking about it with 🔖 🥰 it's been so cool theorizing on all the culture of eridians and shit.... wowowowo
having friends is so cool!!! i also constantly feel like shigure haha
like y'all think shigure and i weren't chill? nah we were so chill w each other. these r like. our energy idk. id be like popping in and making sure shigure was taking care of himself
2:37 A
GOD THAT TOOK FUCKIGN FOREVVERRRRRR
the images were fucking up the whole page.... i had to go in to do SURGERY on blog.... an hour later/.... ughgugh
its what i get for coding a blog with half assed coding knowledge tbh
anywho i think i mentioned yesterday that my iron lung shit got here but im so happy about it!!!! and the fanfic brainstorming earlier went WILD!!!!
so fun.... so fun....
anywho... i PROMISED 🔖 that i'd actually go to sleep earlier tn so MY LIGHT IS DIMMED..... that is step one to trying. i go bathroom rq.
i decided these posts will have daily playlists so..... keep an eye out for that. i was feeling v aquasine when i was TROUBLESHOOTING THIS PAGE so... thats why thats here
⎋ⁱ̴̴̴≮̸̸̴⨦̷̶̷⟁̶░̴̷.̵̐͝⟆⟟ⷙ̶̸⚚⍜⛀⍦꙰ is basically what my brain sounds like, if you even care (/lh)
i also know the person talking near the end of that track ISNT the dude (egadd) from loogi's mansion but... i always think it is... ha.
y'know.... that guy??
i always fear thinking abt luigi too hard bc if i kin him i might just die i think (/nsrs)
also.... ik disorder, disbelief is a VASTLY diff vibe but.... i was feeling it and it is near and dear to me so. enjoy.
i AM gonna try and go to bed in a timely manner... if for anything for 🔖 lol
i gotta get back to writing.... they've been going above and beyond as a fuckign... proofreader. like 🏅🏅🏅 asf
UGHGHGHHGHG I LOVE AQUASINE SMMMM sorry sorry
i'll elaborate soon on my kin shit too btw./.... its like. a lot but not at the same time. idk. they're me and i am them but we all live in this vessel.... ya know??? ajahahahha
like im leon but he also hangs out. i was achilles and know his love for patroclus but also he tells me to eat..... ya know?
dean and i..... hoogogh..... oh boy that one
2:57 A
OHHHH YEAH!!!! HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY SOUL!!!!!!
missing your own birthday is so uncool
soul took a LONG time for me to clock... but... i feel too much for maka and too much like an idiot for getting hurt. so.. yeah
he.... his energy is so specific and different from mine (the host??/adonis/ambrose if you wish to refer to me) that its like. a little unsettling? but
idk. i really like soul. he's not my MOST unsettling kin. so. but i don't talk abt that guy much. (the other guy, that is. uh call him uh,. 💣) he.... eurugh he (💣) irks me. his origin is like... WHY must i have a kin from this source?? its like. an au like WHAT
but the rational part of me is like "duh ofc you were like... obsessed with it for so long? sigh."
anyways... blogging is SO addicting what... im listening to the playlist i made for this post while i blog eheheh.... i have mi bowl packed which is ANOTHER can of worms i wanna yap about. and. im gonna smoke it and go night night mhm mhm mhm.... im such a weird guy waht... tohru and dean and leon s kennedy and like... momiji sohma all live with me in my me and thats wild
BUT ALSO... like sora and link and ed all... being ME and. we are such a pot head. its so funny to me. link sora and ed eternally at the smoke sesh and its delightful. dream bbong rotation nightly with myself.
it's not as lonely as you might think
it's certainly less lonely than i thought, and better than the alternative!
(me pretending im not all these guys and just some "normal" person... yeah no im done and have no interest in that anymore HA.... im gonna be. loudly strange and offputting. i do not need fake ppl around me haha! being genuine for the win right??
smiles....
i added floor one from mindwave to today's playlist.... i love it (mindwave) so much. its the chillest mindwave song probably but like. theyre all really good. i just wanted a chill song for this playlist too rqq. haha! anyways.... ill try and eep now. or something i guess. sigh. goodnight chat.
ill update devlog before sleeping maybe. idk. haha. i want to do more but shouldnt
anyway this will be me i promise!!! goodnight.
WAIT WHY ARE THERE SO MANY AHIBASKHGBAHBG
khsabghkfsbghg
HOW IT FEELS!!! SKGBFKSBG
fr tho this is the most canon version of me sleeping..... anyways.
also people be normal about me challenge failed every time. anyways.
goodnight!!!
god.... just had the sickening thought of my exp in gluttony's tummy being why i can relate to simon iron lung..... blood ocean kinda hbshgbskahbgahsbg
I JUST WANANAN HEAR DISORDER DISBELIEF my bad. this is my fault. lol.
GOODNIGHT!!!
4:02 A
ahahahaah,.....,., i added homes tho!!!! fuck.... forgive a guy for missing his lives
gn fr
12:48 P
sigh... 🌷 is drinking again... sigh
i don't have the spoons to try and address helping it.... augh....
anyway good morniing! ny tummy hurts... i think im anxious... sigh
1:11 P
dont be upset about living situation Failed this morning... sigh.
or like. family generally. HA. ugh
man is that the depression? oh boy.
3:19 P
ok i did yoga and amm listening to my tracer playlist and feeling a little better.
headphones by little boots is SO lena. i just. i can't explain it.
i think... i might've had sensory issues then too? and like. active imagination. cause this song like. is almost like capturing my experince HA.
lena is a really comforting energy tho. she's been around since i was a teenager. love her dearly (/platonic)
anywho! plan is to do a little work and then get on writing again.... yes yes nods head. im gonna hope tracer sticks around for all this tho
this playlist is the same one i made as a teen and. MAN. it is actually so gas. i'll put it here sometime too.
leave a trace is the next song... by CHVRCHES... i think i got a lot of these from 8tracks playlists and like. really uhm.. curated? from those. yeah. but this is so apt too.
"take care to bury all that you can, take care to bury a trace of a man," like.... when i tell you that is so accurate. me when. for a long time after my time shit happened i just felt SO hollowed. it was really bad. like. that is not expressed. but. it was a REALLY hard adjustment. even w/how positive i am.
"and i'm as sane as i ever was"
LIKE!!!!! me... me. i wasnt normal before and i sure as hell wasn't after. sigh. thank u chvrches i dont listen to them aside from this one song but. man. maybe im just sappy rn
3:51 P
ok.... eating is happening soon then a half hour of work or something and then writing.... my brain is just really scrambled bc of the energy in the house rn. tbh.
hopefully it'll improve but... euughgu.... its really bad right now.
"OOOO DID I JUST SEE YOU? CRYING IN MY REARVIEW? ITS LIKE DEJA VU DEJA VU!"
yeah this is getting added RIGHT now bear hands deja vu is so me (lena) core
??? P
hell yeah per blog post icon.... that is so sick i love you lena
we havent hung out in GOD knows how long... its really quite refreshing.. even though our mental illnesses are. like similar but different.
thats the case with a lot of my bonds tbh..... but like. me and lena its like looking in a mirror. idk. we really sadly cry and hold each other sometimes but
aside from processing our shit together, lena is the most beautiful spirit no lie. her optimism is truly pervasive. its delightful.
??? P
i really cant stress enough how much of my life as tracer/lena was. not all that fun
like yes i did my best to like. mask? but. i dealt with a LOT mentally. like. being able to time travel is not for the faint of heart
a lot of the time i felt... just blurry. like i was never truly anywhere or present. i was constantly dissociative but constantly making an effort to ground myself in the present moment
it was just... such a weird lifetime. but. im grateful for the exp and i love lena a lot.
i also say this from the hosts' pov of. not really having looked into lena's history past. my og ovw knowledge and the og comics. i gotta catch up with the Lore in ovw2 cause... i kind of have avoided it entirely
ovw2 coincided with my "im not fictionkin ahahah" era... so.... and also is just. so diff from ovw 1. in a lot of ways. so. yeah. i DO want to play ovw again though. i miss it... i hope i can access my blizzard acc oh man
not me noticing upon re-reading that i forgot to time stamp these entires.... whoops
5:20 P
blegh. part of my family struggles are like. i freelance (i have One client) bc i have a rlly low. capacity for work and such. so. my mental health ends up fuckin my ability to work a lot but... from the outside it can read as im j fucking around when. my work is rlly creatively dependent? so if i dont have the motivation to work its kinda j. wasting the money of the non-profit that i work for. which. is not ideal for a non-profit.. even though i feel like a dick when im not working.,
its like.... i cant work from less than 0 energy. even though i can do my own creative stuff? thats like... idk. its different?
idk. im not a huge. worker anymore HA. idk
i feel like for a long time i was convinced work was tied to self worth bc of like. school. and i put a lot of pride into my work ethic and being the best i could but.
honestly i feel like that behavior got me taken advantage of. and. it really wore me down to operate with that belief
so like/.... now i just. feel like shit all the time for . having to spend so much time doing my own thing. bc by all logic that means im not doing what i should be, right?
wrong! i am deeply traumatized. my nervous system does not know rest. so. like. idk. it makes sense that things are wildly different for me. and like. i have a lower capacity. idk
i feel like all the "cptsd is curable!!!" folks are fuckign lying and do not have cptsd HA. i think. its manageable. Maybe. but curable? no fucking way dude.
our brains. literally got damaged. like LITERAL brain damage from trauma. a therapist can give me tools to help manage my brain yes but i dont think any amount of work will COMPLETELY undo the amount of stress and harm my nervous system has. tanked. for years. anyways.
this is called i once again feel unfit to work and feel i have to justify taking rest time to myself and others. when. i dont. but i do but i dont.
anyway im adding salt to today's playlist too.... it's very trans coded and very lena in crisis mode.
its also kinda grace. core as fuck.,
its really interesting that. 2 of the songs i have for tracer are actually also perfect for grace too... like. they really do handshake on things huh?
im sure nobody had lena oxton and ryland grace sharing a body and being friends on their 2026 bingo card (i didn't)
adding "i wont let you down" to today's playlist too! its so gas actually...... its ALSO giving grace core.... thats so wild.
i might switch to less intense music tho cause., i have a headache HA.
5:41 P
i love re-reading my entire blog post because im SO normal.
but i wanted to add: its really curious how i view us. im so hesitant to claim. being a system. but i. operate So parallel to them that. its. 😳. ya know?
bc like. there's kind of no question to me that. i am/was my kins but they are also me, but they are ALSO their own entities within me..... like. thats kind of fact to me? and always how its been?
like for ex: dean. i remember time with castiel, i remember SO much shit. from that life. but like. DEAN is a separate entity from me. like. i sometimes have dean shifts? but i (or whatever you want to call. the part of "me" that isn't one of my kins. i barely feel that aspect is real/exists. but thats another can of worms.)
but like. while i am/was him and remember shit and all that. there's often like. exps of dean commenting on things?? in my life??? like i remember a few instances of this.
so like. yes i am dean and dean is me but hes also another lil guy in my noggin, ya know? if that makes sense.
but like. idk. i don't have a DID or OSDD diagnosis, j cptsd and i Know im fictionkin/a soulbonder. so. i dont really know what to do with this information
hence me making a blog to shout into the void about it. cause. i feel bad about it but at least this way i.. am trying to keep myself out of discourse as much as possible
i literally do NOT want any heat, i could NOT bear it. but. however. i feel these things too much to continue to be silent on them. so eyah
THO AS WELL. i will mention. link, on the other hand. i do remember separately from me, i remember a LOT of all of his lives too, but, personality wise? like me and link are far closer to being. One entity than dean and i if that makes sense. like there's more overlap between us??? i cant explain it well. but. link feels very much so more me. and like a core element to my identity. hence him being a selfhood.
6:11 P
listening to deja vu does make me sad though cause...
" Broken rib, a broken jaw
Open up and say ahhh
A list of all my symptoms
Tell me what you think I'm missing
But you got to kill the pain doc "
like.... "but you got to kill the pain doc." is so sad. but. so true and me. cries a little.
cause it really speaks to my awareness but. my inability to help myself. sobs actually.
6:43 P
sigh.... no staying up until one billion o'clock tonight... 💔
fr tho my brian has Suffered this week,. like. ive had a ton of fun dont get me wrong but dawg my head HURTS. i gotta eep earlier tonight and sleep for 5 years i think.
also all the iron lung gifs dropped.... simon my beloved
if i am once again a set of lovers (simon and grace) i will. be so confused. because What? like in such quick succession??? why??? but also. id welcome them in. obvs. i love achilles and patroclus its cute like. soulbonding/kinning/being a pair but. it makes me feel so strange akgbaskhgb. like "yeah im Both of them" "huh?" "trust me bro."
but like.... i kinda am. ANYWAY. sigh.
i hope my head stops hurting soon
that was one of my fav iron lung scenes tho.... its so peaceful. its like the one moment in the movie you can almost. settle in and be comfortable. im obsessed with it.
7:17 P
me: suffering of headache listening to the daily playlist at 10%
me: hears the little beepy talk section of ⎋ⁱ̴̴̴≮̸̸̴⨦̷̶̷⟁̶░̴̷.
me: immediately cranks that shit
i regretted this directly after bc ALGORITHM_ANGEL started and made my head ouchies again... oghgh.
lowkey..... i really hope penny doesn't stream tonight i cant take it ny head hurt too bad
constant screens having an effect.... smh
7:54 P
Now, Emily's got no tricks to try
But she don't seem that much to mind
She don't seem to mind not much to me
And you got what the whole world wants
So strap that armor tighter on
Double on down like it's gonna make you free
like...... this shit is making me so sad in reference to lena.... because yeah :(
i wanted to go fast... i didn't necessarily want to be a primary agent of war. or part of overwatch my Entire Life. it just. idk. like yes i am miss optimism but. what happened to me was tragic.
i love what i do and i believed in overwatch don't get me wrong. but. i didn't... i made the most of my situation, yknow? what else was there to do for me at that point,,, yknow?
"Sir, do you want to know why I stuck with this? Why I decided to leave the flight test program and begin training as an Overwatch agent? It's because I believed that if I could figure this out, I could be an asset. I could make this world a better place. I fought to survive, and I'm willing to fight for the world, too." - lena "tracer" oxton
like. i meant that. and i stand by that. but. i threw myself at my work. it was easier than dealing with my mind. it made me feel fulfilled, i was pouring into others and in return having energy poured into me.
i just... for all the joys of it. it wasnt without its strife.
i did always believe in doing good. i dont mean to downplay that in expressing this. im so glad i got the chance to be a hero in my heart. but yeah... idk. haha
idk. tldr: i get sad reflecting on life as lena.
im proud of the work i did and was able to do but. the chronal dissociation was rough. and the stress of the job wasnt something to sneeze at. i loved doing good, but it always broke me to see such evil in the world, and i was constantly being thrown at it... yknow? idk
8:21 P
the fact that i'm lena's age physically now is also wild to me like HUH./... WHAT DO YOU MEAN???
WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN????? yaknow
8:59 P
making myself gigle bc im like. notoriously a perfectionist and yet i have multiple known imperfections on blog rn... whoops.
9:07 P
i need to be put down (to bed) because... tell me why i fuckign. just went "god i miss sora and kairi... fuck im sora. sojangng im sora..." and had a moment of "what if i started saying "im sora" instead of "im sorry" like.... WHAT? i'm sorry Huh? what does that even mean......
i'd/i'll do it but... BAHAHAHAH.... anyway i miss riku and kairi
10:11 P
its getting to "format tomorrow's blog post time and ueughuhg.... my brain is worms...... i dont think i can do it HAHAH! eugh. i will though... maybe i should now so i dont have to tmrw.
11:54 P
aw man.... its almost time to close out this post for now.... it's been a pleasure blogging with you all today!!! ill miss you 6/4/2026.... maybe.... maybe not
i alr have tmrw's post pre-formatted tho so.... win
