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12:00 A
good morning day 3..... 😔💔
idk why im acting sad abt this i literally. didn't have a great day yesterday. but it's okay. i did have fun w lena
and talking to 🔖 ofc
i do dislike my tendency to see new friends as. a potential partner. i think it's a really bad lens to look at friendship thru :/
i am working on it. im at least FAR more aware of it now than i used to be. so. im trying to kinda. shoo those thoughts away.
the playlist rn is. not canon btw. its all ported over frrom yesterday's so. dw about that
nvm i just took out all the songs but its a full moon tonight... i feel that one always actually
12:28 A
i wanna clarify,
"i do dislike my tendency to see new friends as. a potential partner. i think it's a really bad lens to look at friendship thru :/"
^^^is very much so not a thing i do consciously. it's like. impulse thoughts if anything every time and they're super annoying; i dont mean to make. prospective friends or new friends feel weird with that
its just like.... idk i guess my brain craves companionship of a romantic flavor that it just. auto assumes thats the case when its really not. god i hate this fucking keyboard.
2:19 A
alright chat it is time to go to bed almost me thinks...... am getting new messages from 🔖
3:36 A
one hour alter..... ok gn fr real
me when i want to redact the above but. sigh. the point of it is to have ti all out there anyway i guess. and again, its like intrusive thoughts, so, its not like im intending to have them
something somethign you are not your thgouhts....
oookay1! goofdnifgh
3:05 P
WWAAAAAAA NEOCITIES WAS DOWN ALL MORNING GOOD MORNIGN BLOG I MISSED YOU!!!!!!
this was me 3 hrs ago!!!
caught up on messages with 🔖 this morning alr too!!! so.... its time to work!!!! i think.... eat then work
i might... impulse purchase RE while it's on sale and get iron lung for.... 🔖 and i to watch.... or at least plan on doing so
but i REALLY need to get better about working
4:42 P
okay! caught up on messages again HA... time to try to work for a bit! iuabiashdbgb yarggh,,,,, ogghgh
added my a kingdom away... songs to today's playlist. aside from it's a full moon tonight, this is basically my sora reminiscing soundtrack that isnt from kh itself.
it's kinda.... easier on me to listen to these than the kh songs themselves cause. those are really emotionally charged for me.
it isnt lost on me that there is a nier song and i havent finished nier but REALLY liked nier....... i have suspicions i cannot confirm (kinfirm? HA.)
idk liek. kabghksbghkbs shit is so wild
5:01 P
love that. when i go to sit down to work is when i get vehemently offcentered by. my environment. ahahah.... fuck
envr: is bad bc they think im a fucking do nothing
me: am incapable of doing things bc they make the environment so triggering its hard to do things
cries
"why am i like this? why do i have this weird blend of. kins and soulbonds and me's who aren't me?" gee maybe its because. we are deeply traumatized and need help functioning and not blowing up on life all the time? haha.. a thhoughrt...
like "me" even exists either.... dont get me STARTED.
anyway. gonna go do yoga
theres. a disclaimer here somewhere that says "pls know i mean no harm by expressing my experience of self the way i do i am just trying to figure myself out and whats going on in my brain" but just in case. ← that
idk my worst fear is just. getting dogpiled for. performatively being plural. like No.,. i dont think so evennthough. im not quite sure what is going on. this is the real life, it is not a fantasy for me to my chagrin at times but great joy at others
do i have a diagnosis? no. but. hey man i cannot afford dr. i can hardly afford food rn. so. that's not gonna happen for the foreseeable futurre. and like. being quiet about it gets me nowehere. and this is my personal blog? so. i dont mean any harm y'all. im not gonna self diag with did or osdd or anything. But. i am gonna talk about my experience how i'd like to if thats okay. thank you i love you fair internet stranger 💛
5:01 P
fuck. so. just found out anthony stewart head, actor who portrayed giles and countless others passed today. i dont know how, i dont need to.
thank you for everything anthony. you were loved. thank you for sharing your light, and your wit. you have more of an impact than you know. and, if i may, you were the best part of buffy for me.
i will love you, i love you, and i have loved you. please, rest easy.
7:04 P
man.. i didn't.. i don't even stand by buffy as hardcore as others do. but real torn up abt giles' passing. idk
i cant tell who i might be from buffy. i thought willow? at first? but. maybe its just buff. or giles himself? im not certain. irts. oof though,...
i also. feel very guilty for my performance or lack thereof. but like. it's kinda out of my control rn. sadly. ugh.
i still can't help but feel pathetic
GOOD GOD IT CANNOT BE NECESSARY TO WATCH SHIT THIS LOUD!!!!!! FUCK I WNAT TO HEAR MY THOUGHTS I HATE YOU I HATE YIOU I HATE YOU UGGHGGUHGH
sorry. im. im really upset w/my env today
7:25 P
like... i can hardly THINK because i have to keep my brain occupied so im not just MAD ABOUT THE FUCKING NOISE
i hate......, i love so much but sometimes i Hate Deeply
i need this rn
us when...... 💞
no one is ready for my ohshc magnum opus 200k fanfic. absolutely not a soul
7:30 P
anyway im super stressed out. bc. i need my home env to be. good to work. but. obvs. i cant really ask for that bc my family is HAHAHAHAHAHHA. ha. hah. yeah
if you haven't ascertained already (took me a while) i'm the black sheep of the family? and the scapegoat. kinda. nobody Says it. but. i feel it is felt and believed. idk. i piss my brothers off by existing
i dont care for either of them really. atp.. its all complicated. tldr: mans has not known true love except Maybe once. haha. anyway.
my hand hurts from typing maybe so. im gonna smoke. and try to not want to die for two seconds.. bye! for now anyways. maybe i play ovw.
7:37 P
i hate missing people who dont miss me. sorry bye
7:48 P
i got a message from 🔖 so naturally im back. and. i stared at the images of my sleeping/waking up again and. YALL REALLY GAVE ME DROOL? KSAHJBGKASBG animators had it out for my ass..... making me LOOK BAD
/lh obvs
9:06 P
yonah / pluck ver. 1 is.... so peaceful and tranquil. wow. i love this sm what
been listening to the nier replicant ost. i havent played the game (sinful behavior i know) but. god this ost is gorgeous. i do Want to play it/ but. money
yes, my family is still watching movies at maximum fucking volume. yes i want to die bc of it. no i wont tell them because yes itll make things worse. god i want to die HA
10:05 P
GO LISTEN TO THIS SONG IN THE PLAYLIST RIGHT NOW WHAT THE FUCK???? WHY IS THIS THE BEST SONG IVE EVER HEARD????
イニシエノウタ/虚ロナ夢 - Song of the Ancients / Hollow Dreams - MONACA • NieR Gestalt & NieR Replicant Original Soundtrack
FUYCCUCKCKKC
i was 14 seconds in and FULL SENT THAT. I MEAN IT TOO WHAT THE HELLLLLLL i love ytou nier......
11:06 P
wow.... an hour later actually exactly what??? thats so wild. wowo okay
been chatting up a sTORM tonight. aha
nier soundtrack still so good
11:25 P
the wretched automatons is also. sucha great song.
important link fact: a slut for sound effects / actual sounds used to make a beat/song
11:36 P
tdamn.... tghe prestigious mask is ALSO gas.... the second listen thru man im saying
